My Blog: November 8, 2018


I am learning again about what it takes to create, build and maintain relationships. I have found the past I tend to overcompensate for the feelings of others and internally harbor the resulting or leftover feelings that I had. I tend to find similiar characteristics in the people I interact with. One of those characteristics is competition. Whether male or female, I think I sparked an element of competition in others. This can be fun when it's things like games or sports but when it comes to milemakers in life, it can be frustrating. In the same breath, I think I somewhat begin this path due to my nature of wanting to be right. As I write this, I hate how stereotypical this can be for men that read this. I despise the thought of being the "typical woman". For this reason, I don't like being outwardly emotion. I haven't invested hours into makeup and fashion. I do not enjoy carrying a purse. I rather not spend hours shopping in malls or stores. I've chosen not to wear jewelry much(and I was raised not to). I don't like to cry in front of people. Now is this to be more masculine? Hell no---I just do not want to be a overly soft/emotional and vain woman. Despite these things, I still have plenty of flaws including being emotional and vain still. lol.

I started dating someone. It's hard to say at this point how confident I am in the success and longevity of the relationship but I can say it has potential. It also has the unfortunate pleasure of making me just as insecure as I was single. Why is that? At first it was why was someone like myself--I would say a catch but I'm biased--still single. Those feelings let an empty feeling within me mixed with loneliness and confusion(and food). Now that I am in a relationship(mind you it's mostly long distance for now), I am currently experiencing similiar feelings of emptiness and loneliness. Why? Things have started to change. That initial intrigue must be dying off and I'm just "brittani" instead of "cute black woman from iowa with dreads". I barely am getting a sentence out of him the last several days. Overanalyzing? Maybe. I feel though that I have to keep trying because if I was to stop, then whose trying? And then if no one is trying, is it done? Already? So soon? So, I must keep trying right to prevent that? Or is that causing it? Which came first: the chicken or the egg? lol

XOXO from Brittani